All of these seats and super thighs plops down next to me – super thighs junior (by comparison). 😳😳 We are the only ones looking all bunned up on this train. Why didn’t she choose an empty seat or a set of slim thighs to pair up with? 🙄 Then she has the nerve to keep squirming. We are about to start a fire on this joint if she keeps rubbing up against me.🔥🔥🔥 Five stops later and the train is still ji empty and she’s still here rubbing up against me. There are rules to this shit!😩
All of these empty seats and his hummin’ ass sits next to me. It’s waaay too early in the morning for this musty shit. And, he has the nerve to have on two shirts. He ain’t Sure about shit today! lol I want to ask him to take the mustiest one off cause the way he is assaulting my nose, both shirts have to be assailants. He needs to put them right back in the laundry basket he grabbed them from this morning. My nose really doesn’t deserve this.
It started out well…
But, that didn’t last long. Dude next to me is offending all my senses right now. First, he flops down next to me smelling like an ashtray full of unfinished cigarettes. Then, he pulled a sandwich out of a ziplock bowl and started devouring it. No exaggeration – dude is munching on that sandwich so hard and fast, continuously turning it so he can bite it from all angles. He is chewing so hard, I can see his cheeks moving up and down out of my peripheral. That should be difficult because I have turned my body as far as I can towards the window so I can sneak breaths in every now and then. He is in violation of the almost all the seat mate laws! He’s alternating between killing that sandwich, drinking water, picking his teeth, and licking his fingers!😩😩😩 How big is that f*cking sandwich?!!!😒 How can he still be eating it after all of those rotating big bites? I think it grows every time he bites it. And, all of that finger licking on this filthy train…yuckety! I feel like offering him a hand wipe, but I think he is finishing up because he’s rotating through all the movements at an even quicker pace. Hold up – this mofo just took out a napkin, wet it, and wiped his hands…after he ate! I can’t with him. SEAT MATE GRADE: E!!!!!!!!!
Picking teeth licking fingers
Am I being punk’d…for real, who sent him?
Dude is on the train for 6 stops with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. That’s some pressed shit right there! Now, I know I have to beat him to the escalator cause that tells me he’s the type who would light up while on it. Glad I have my Nikes on. #traintribulations
I believe every home has a distinct smell and when people come out, they carry that smell on their clothes. With that said, some of these folks need to febreze, plug in, fry the fish outside…do something! They have me up here sniffing my damn self. #trainsmells #ihatemynose
She’s asleep!!! This lady rides the train and shuttle with me almost every day AND she pops her gum on every other “expletive” chew. I have wished for her to bite her tongue, her jaw, her lip…anything to make her boycott gum. But, I can be nice today because she’s asleep and luckily, she doesn’t chew in her sleep. I can go even further and hope she does not get whiplash…she is copping a serious nod so that neck keeps snapping. Uh oh…she just woke up…popping like crazy…I hope she bites a few taste buds off.😠
Back on Marta and it’s too murch! I got here earlier than I have in months and the platform is packed. My standing spot and all spots near it were occupied so I had to stand further down…knowing I wouldn’t be able to get on my normal car. It ended up being a blessing in disguise! When the train pulled up, my normal car was pitch black. So, all of those folks had to scramble to get to another car. That’s what they get for standing in my spot! 😜
The train instantly filled up. I knew it was going to be a packed, damp, smelly ride so I prepared my nose for combat. The next stop fully packed the train – even the aisles. I considered giving this lady standing near me my seat, but decided against it when I looked closer and surmised that she was probably in her 40s (like me). This is where those age tags would come in really handy.
The further we went, the more we started to look like sardines in this joint. There was a serious traffic jam at the door every time the train stopped. This dude who looks like Method Man has been standing at the door since the 2nd stop, so he’s been dealing with the traffic jams for a while. At the last stop, a man in casual business attire was attempting to board when Meth blocked the path and said, “Momma said we can’t have no mo company.”😂 Fortunately, J. Crew had a sense of humor too and laughed as Meth moved over so he could squeeze in. 😁
My first thoughts are my best thoughts. As I was walking down the steps at the train station, the lights started flickering. I instantly imagined myself in a video and thought about sliding down the handrail and breaking out in serious choreo! I should’ve acted on it and just assumed everyone else would follow suit. LOL Perhaps, watching the Chris Brown video on the train factored in. But, the main factor was me thinking, “I still got it!”😂😂😂😂😂
I worked from home Friday and Irma came through and shut a few things down Monday, including Marta. Yesterday, Marta was running on a limited schedule so I worked from home again. Today is supposed to be the regular schedule. But when I got to the station today, the sign indicated it would be 7 minutes until my train arrived. I can just miss my train and the sign will usually show 5 min until my next train. I know I didn’t just miss one because the platform was packed. And, when the train pulled in, it was almost packed. That’s how I ended up in the yuck seat next to good ole wide eyes 👀. She has never sat next to me before. Every time I beat her, she sits a few rows away from my smirking ass. Not today. She plopped down right next to me because seating was limited and like me, she probably couldn’t figure out where that expletive smell is coming from. I may be an ass but I don’t stink, so she chose wisely. It didn’t last long though. The people in front of me got off two stops later and I excused myself and brushed past wide eyes as I raced a girl who was boarding and eyeing my new, used seat. I won! And, it was clean…well clean for Marta.
Now, here I sit…unable to inhale. Every time I try to sneak a breath, I am hit with a myriad of unpleasant smells…onions, sweat, burnt hair, coffee, what seems to be undercarriage funk, and who knows what else. It’s all bad. I swear I would wear an air purifying helmet on this joint if there was one available. Be on this joint like…
If my seat mate folds or adjust this damn blanket one mo damn time, I’m going to scream!!! She could’ve at least fluffed that joint with a fabric sheet before bringing it. It could’ve helped with this morning’s olfactory assault. SEAT MATE GRADE: C
I must say, this welcome back sucks!
I am obviously being punished for something I did…probably one of the random things my brain has said to me about one of these folks during my commute. But, I have no control over that. The craziness just pops in my head. My only fault is laughing.😏 So now my ears have to suffer for my brain’s actions.
Anyway, my grown ass seat mate is actually sitting here blowing bubbles with her gum. I am so tempted to pop one of those bubbles so it’ll splatter on her face and stick to that herstache she’s rocking (yeah, I see it…handle that).
And, homegirl behind me is rustling a bag while talking on her phone way too loud to mind me asking questions about who she’s talking to. I really shouldn’t be able to hear her because I’m cranking the Jagged Edge/Run DMC Let’s Get Married remix. I wish I could press my earbuds to turn down her volume. Unfortunately, the universe does not seem to believe I’m worthy of special powers. Either that or it’s scared of how I would use them. I’ve already thought about making her bag float out of her hands, crumble into a hard ball, and hit her hard enough in her forehead to make her head snap back…not enough for whiplash, just embarrassment. The visual is cracking me hell up. 😂😂😂
My seat mate is still hanging in there, but she stopped blowing bubbles. Maybe she saw the first photo I posted above. lol SEAT MATE GRADE: C – she only blew bubbles for 1 stop, but has been very still the past 16 stops. I can’t even see her chewing in my peripheral. Maybe she remembered she was grown.
Imagine my surprise as I waited to board and the other door didn’t open! My hesitation gave me limited seating options. I bet someone broke it trying to force the doors open. They do that mess all the time – sometimes causing the train to be put out of order because the door won’t close. I blame that person for this whole commute rant. My brain is off the hook…this time.
Unfortunately, the whiffs are often quicker than my smell shut down reflexes. So you all have to hear about my experiences on a regular basis. I promise you, hearing it is nowhere near as bad as experiencing it. I will gladly trade places.
I really don’t think most people think about their whiff, but I do – obsessively, especially in public. My goal in life is to have a nice whiff. I think I’ll do surprise dry runs on my family. I’m sure they are thrilled reading this. Get those olfactory systems ready fam!🤗😂😂
Today’s Takeaway: The next time you flop down beside someone – make sure your whiff is on point.