When people flop down next to me, they have a whiff. The majority of the time, that whiff is not pleasing to my nose so I subconsciously brace myself…especially during the warmer seasons.
Unfortunately, the whiffs are often quicker than my smell shut down reflexes. So you all have to hear about my experiences on a regular basis. I promise you, hearing it is nowhere near as bad as experiencing it. I will gladly trade places.
I really don’t think most people think about their whiff, but I do – obsessively, especially in public. My goal in life is to have a nice whiff. I think I’ll do surprise dry runs on my family. I’m sure they are thrilled reading this. Get those olfactory systems ready fam!🤗😂😂
Today’s Takeaway: The next time you flop down beside someone – make sure your whiff is on point.
I owe my former seat mate a heartfelt apology. I was so relieved when he got off because I thought that offensive odor was emitting from his pores. I was totally confused as to why such a well dressed man would walk around with such a dangerous nasal assault weapon. I became angry at the fact that he spent more time brushing his hair than he spent washing his ass. I stared at him, befuddled, for 3 stops. I cheered on the inside when he got up to depart the train. I foolishly assumed the odor problem was solved when in fact, it was just stirred up by the crowd of people departing the train. I thought I was safe, so I exhaled heavily so I could breathe again. To my surprise, I was smacked in the face with a stronger version of the uncivilized fetor as the doors closed.😳 I looked around madly to find the source of the smell. Finally, I looked down and found it…The weapon of choice was a pair of dingy socks left exposed by a pair of slides. I looked up to see who dared to don a pair of wide open funky socks. My eyes made contact with this dude’s gym bag…the bag holding the sneakers that could have saved a few of my nose hairs from singeing. He knew damn well how bad his feet smelled when he took those damn shoes off! Why didn’t he wait until he got home to release those toxins. Now, my simple ass is sitting here wishing I had a hazmat suit.
Just think, I almost made it through the week without incident…almost.
This commute is already starting off wrong. The girl to my left is a gum popper and the woman to my right…well…her smell profile is not quite right. I put in my earbuds to handle the situation on the left and I can usually cut off my sense of smell, but my nose is being nosey af today. I really wish it would mind its business.😩
This heifer has all of her itchy ass weave on my arm. My itchy ass twists are quite enough for me to handle. We both need some Mane & Tail on this mofo! Had to switch seats before my arm started welting up.
She’s baaaaack! I haven’t been on the train as much lately due to being out of town and working from home more. So, I haven’t been posting much except memories. But, I am back and so is deer in headlights girl. I don’t know how she holds that face so long. It would give me a headache. She was on the platform when I arrived yesterday. I think she forgot my exact spot because we haven’t seen each other in a couple of weeks. I resumed my normal positioning and smirked when the train stopped in front of me. Sweet victory…how I’ve missed you. 😏 I was running a little late today. When I got there, this dude was standing in my spot 😒 and she positioned herself to the right of him (she usually stands to my left). I think I saw that heifer crack a smile as I walked past. I guess she doesn’t know me that well…I don’t go down that easily. I took the spot to his left and when the train pulled in I could see it was not going to stop in my favor, so I scurried down to position myself at the next door. I was in my seat settled in comfortably by the time she found a spot in the seat across from me. That smile was nowhere to be found.😂😂😂 I gotta give it to her though – I believe she is the only one who knows this is a competition. And, although she keeps losing, she’s staying in the game.
For those who are wondering- yes, I do realize I am a tad bit petty…sometimes. It really showed yesterday. The commute was not eventful at all. As we arrived to my stop, I said excuse me so my seat mate could let me out. At the same time, this lady in a green shirt stood up in the seat across from us and she just stood there…all in my way! I brushed past her and headed towards the doors, feeling irritated. I finally looked down at the doors she chose and realized she works in my building. Immediately, it became a competition…my horse race scenario. I got on my mark and waited for the gates to open. When they did, I dashed out to head to the three lane stairs. I was so focused that I did not see her until we reached the turnstile gates…me in the lead. Then she did the unexpected – she cheated! Instead of waiting to get out the gate, she slipped through the side emergency gate that does not require a card. I was heated! 😤 To make matters worse, that miscreant ended up in front of me as we headed down the narrow stairs. When I reached the bottom, I saw her in my peripheral stop to talk to a man because our shuttle was nowhere in sight. I passed them to walk a little further down and noticed our shuttle was all the way in the back and around the corner. It was the little shuttle, so I knew seats would be very limited. I proceeded to walk to the back of the shuttle line to claim a seat as the driver pulled up to stop in front of me. As I boarded, I watched as people realized our shuttle was there and it was the baby one. They started to rush towards the door. I smiled from my seat when the driver announced there were no more seats and I looked out the window to see green shirt standing there as the doors closed. My smiling gaze lingered to see who she was talking to. My gaze changed from a petty smile to an “ut oh” as I caught a glance of the gentleman’s face…it was my VP.😳 Sorry EW! Later that day, I could not resist telling him the story of how he was a victim of my competitiveness…yes competitiveness…pettiness just seemed too incriminating. lol He cracked up because he is well aware of these commuter competitions I have going on. I did feel a little bad when he told me it took forever for the next shuttle to come so he decided to walk. Then he followed up with he did not see the other shuttle pass during his trek. My devilish smile reappeared. There was that sweet victory again. Actually, more like revenge…with impunity.
It’s July 3rd so I figured this would be a light, uneventful train ride. And, it pretty much was until I got to the half way point. I was minding my business – looking online when all of a sudden my nose got mugged! I shot my head up to see if there was a baby in the area. But, nope…no baby to blame. The more I looked around, the less I could breathe. I cut off my sense of smell the best I could, but I couldn’t breathe because my lips had already pressed together tightly to protect my mouth. After a few minutes, I couldn’t hold all of that so I panicked and eventually lost control of everything…frantically gasping for air as I looked down and regretted my FitBit wasn’t a medical alert bracelet…help.
I eventually caught my breath and looked around. I got increasingly pissed that everyone else was looking so normal…as if they couldn’t smell anything. I’m about to die and they aren’t even wrinkling their noses! Wtf?!! I wanted to yell – Y’ALL DON’T SMELL THAT SHIT – literally! Cause it definitely was not a fart – it had to be a shart…or worse.😩
As the train cleared a bit, the smell dissipated. I started thinking seriously about the fact that my sense of smell may just be extra sensitive like my ability to hear. I promise y’all, neither of those are blessings. Ability to hear and smell, yes. Extra sensitive smelling and hearing abilities, no! Of all the freaking superpowers, why those?! Why can’t I wake up and see without having to grab for my glasses that my son swears can burn ants? Why not super speed so I would’ve been able to escape as soon as that smell hit my nose? Or, super strength so I could become a Marvel Marta vigilante character? I could think of a very long list of superpowers I’d prefer, but I guess I’m stuck smelling and hearing a bunch of crap I don’t want to. Or just maybe, my true superpower is staying on the functional side of insanity…appearing totally normal while all of these crazy thoughts scramble around my head. I’ll take that. 😏
This morning is not starting off well. I am testing out pillows for a coworker and I needed to return the one I decided not to test, so in addition to my normal backpack and purse, I am lugging a king pillow. I already resolved it was going to be a cumbersome journey today. But, I never thought it would start at the gate! I planned to use the wider gate, but a girl with only a purse was blocking it while scrambling for her card. I heard the train so, I decided to use a regular gate. I tapped my card and instead of the gate opening, I received the red X indicating I needed to try it again. I tapped it again and the gates opened, but it closed so fast that only the pillow and the majority of my body made it through. My bag, purse and left arm remained on the other side of the closed gate. As I was sliding my bags down to pull underneath the gate, a kind young lady tapped her card so the gate would open for both of us. I thanked her…twice. How did both of us manage to get through in time without the gate closing, but it wouldn’t stay open long enough for me to walk through solo? This all happened in a matter of seconds but it felt like an eternity. Now, my neck and shoulder feel funny. I just want to curl up on this pillow and go to sleep.😩 Needless to say, I missed the train…my train.
I am so glad I have my music to relax me. I almost didn’t have that this morning. On the way to the train station, I was rummaging through my purse and realized my earbuds were missing. I remembered I loaned them to someone late last night and forgot to get them back. And, my backup pair was on my nightstand because I took them out during a purse decluttering effort. Y’all know I’m going to have three pair in my purse tomorrow right? Anyway, my sister heard me fussing about it and asked if I wanted to stop to Walgreens to buy a new pair. This surprised me because she is Miss AlwaysOnTimeDontLikeDiversions like a mugg. Initially, I said no. She asked again. I realize she thought about the severity of the situation before I did. Truth be told, I really think she was looking out more for others I encounter than me. For those of you who don’t know, I use my earbuds at least 75% of the day to keep my sanity on public transportation AND at work (see MisoMe posts). I am sooooo glad I listened to her.
Stop the MFin presses. Is this mofo vigorously brushing his teeth on the train?!!!😳 Where is he gonna put all of that?!! Is he going wait until he’s off the train? I need answers! Oh – y’all don’t believe me? Here ya go…suffer with me. I really can’t with Marta today!
Follow up: I made it out of the gate smoothly. I still had to use the regular sized gate because a lady being pushed on a wheelchair obviously trumped me. There was a slight moment of panic, but the gate gave me the regular allotted time so my body, backpack, purse, and pillow made it through safely.
I’m going to need the universe to collaborate with me to make the rest of this day work in my favor. Make it a good one everyone!
This lady is on the train having the loudest hood conversation – cursing and all. She’s acting as if we asked to be included. If she says “cheerdren” one more time, I’m going to cut my ears and all of its parts out of my head. She just told Jr. she will get off this train and turn back around if this girl don’t stop texting her phone. I’m sitting here begging homegirl to text her so she can get off this damn train.
This irritates the heck outta me. Why was this left in one of my favorite seats? It’s 7:00am – who needed all of that to get their day started? Or, did they just finish their workday and needed a draaank? Either way, they needed to take their trash with them! They had the nerve to be fancy and drink that beer with a straw. If you are this disrespectful, I expect you to take it to the head.
Hold up – this older man just sat there. First, he picked up the beer and moved it up some. Then he picked up the vodka, examined it, opened the cap, and took a sniff!😳😂😂 I guess it wasn’t to his liking because he put it back. Now, I’m curious…what was he hoping for? And, if it met his expectations, was he going to pocket that joint? I can’t with these people. LOL
Curious man just got up and another man just sat there. The first thing he did was reposition the beer bottle. I wonder why both chose to do that. It’s in the way no matter where they put it on that heater. Do they need to feel some kind of control because they got the jacked up seat? I know I would be pissed…scared it would spill or a jerk of the train could make it fall, shattering the glass. Still wondering what kind of person is okay with leaving all of that in the seat. I don’t know them, but I do know they are trifling!
I got a seat mate a while ago and she instantly got on my nerves. She is bundled up in a quilted coat with a hoodie under it. I guess our weather apps aren’t showing the same thing. She is extra fidgety. She rumbled through her bag for about 3 stops, bumping my arm twice. She said excuse me, but I need her to know that means it’s not enough space for all that. So, the elbow war was on! She got the message and turned to the aisle to finish rummaging. She is alternately between mad texting and digging in her eyes. I see a stye in her near future. Now, she is rummaging again. She pulled out a bottle of water and I don’t even have my hair down to impeded my peripheral vision. I’m not even going to wait until the end – SEAT MATE GRADE: D
Maaaan – why was I so distracted by homegirl that I didn’t notice the two streams of milk (at least what I hope is milk) flowing under my feet. I don’t even know where they are coming from. What is with these folks and their inability to handle their beverages responsibly today? I have never been so anxious to get to work. Time to go!
7:02am So there is this girl who is fairly new to my schedule (a month or so) who is trying to figure out my perfect spot to stand so the doors open right in front of her. She has been getting here before me lately, but that strategy has been failing her. Yesterday, she stood exactly where I usually stand, so I had to stand a little further down. I was a little annoyed. But, that damn train stopped right in front of me!😂😂😂 So, I just got here and she was standing where I stood yesterday, so I was able to get a little closer to my regular spot. Another girl was to my right, keeping me from being dead on my spot. When that girl boarded another train, spot stealer switched sides to get closer. That ticked my silly self. I’m going to stay right here and CTFU if that train stops in front of me. Let’s see what happens…
7:06am😂😂😂😂😂😂 The train stopped right in front of me…I was dead center of the two sliding doors. I literally laughed out loud while boarding. To add insult to injury, someone sat in the seat she likes. 😜 I actually didn’t wish that on her. I was hoping she got her seat as a consolation prize…even walked faster to help out. But, I think the L affected her drive. She is gonna be ready for me tomorrow. Maybe, I’ll come early enough for the 6:56 train just to throw her off.
7:10am I just got a seat mate and I had to teach her the elbow space rule – person on the inside gets the elbow space because the outside person has the aisle space for elbow room. She didn’t fight it, so we are cool. We are sitting here looking like denim twins. We decided light denim jackets were the way to go today. We are about the same size…nah, she got me by a size or two. Therefore, our hips have been touching for the past 7 stops. I guess we go together at this point. She’s starting to nod. I hope she doesn’t think our new relationship gives her the right to sleep on my shoulder.😳 Too soon…I’m a lady. She’s about to leave, so I guess I should grade her before we break up. SEAT MATE GRADE: B
7:46am I thought I had a clear path to be first to get off the train. But, just as I got to the last seat, this dude dressed in all black, complete with what looked like a thin cloak, cut me off. As soon as he stood up, I got a nose full of baby powder. That black is going to start looking dusty as hell when all that baby powder starts seeping through. He had the nerve to give drama to his walk as he exited. I guess this is karma’s quick reaction to me laughing at home girl earlier. 🤷🏽♀️
Make it a great day!