Back on Marta and it’s too murch! I got here earlier than I have in months and the platform is packed. My standing spot and all spots near it were occupied so I had to stand further down…knowing I wouldn’t be able to get on my normal car. It ended up being a blessing in disguise! When the train pulled up, my normal car was pitch black. So, all of those folks had to scramble to get to another car. That’s what they get for standing in my spot! 😜
The train instantly filled up. I knew it was going to be a packed, damp, smelly ride so I prepared my nose for combat. The next stop fully packed the train – even the aisles. I considered giving this lady standing near me my seat, but decided against it when I looked closer and surmised that she was probably in her 40s (like me). This is where those age tags would come in really handy.
The further we went, the more we started to look like sardines in this joint. There was a serious traffic jam at the door every time the train stopped. This dude who looks like Method Man has been standing at the door since the 2nd stop, so he’s been dealing with the traffic jams for a while. At the last stop, a man in casual business attire was attempting to board when Meth blocked the path and said, “Momma said we can’t have no mo company.”😂 Fortunately, J. Crew had a sense of humor too and laughed as Meth moved over so he could squeeze in. 😁
My first thoughts are my best thoughts. As I was walking down the steps at the train station, the lights started flickering. I instantly imagined myself in a video and thought about sliding down the handrail and breaking out in serious choreo! I should’ve acted on it and just assumed everyone else would follow suit. LOL Perhaps, watching the Chris Brown video on the train factored in. But, the main factor was me thinking, “I still got it!”😂😂😂😂😂
It’s my first day back on the train since Thursday (6 days ago) and my first thought is WHAT IN THE EXPLETIVE IS THAT EXPLETIVE SMELL!!! And, what in the expletive is this! I really hope it’s milk.😳
I worked from home Friday and Irma came through and shut a few things down Monday, including Marta. Yesterday, Marta was running on a limited schedule so I worked from home again. Today is supposed to be the regular schedule. But when I got to the station today, the sign indicated it would be 7 minutes until my train arrived. I can just miss my train and the sign will usually show 5 min until my next train. I know I didn’t just miss one because the platform was packed. And, when the train pulled in, it was almost packed. That’s how I ended up in the yuck seat next to good ole wide eyes 👀. She has never sat next to me before. Every time I beat her, she sits a few rows away from my smirking ass. Not today. She plopped down right next to me because seating was limited and like me, she probably couldn’t figure out where that expletive smell is coming from. I may be an ass but I don’t stink, so she chose wisely. It didn’t last long though. The people in front of me got off two stops later and I excused myself and brushed past wide eyes as I raced a girl who was boarding and eyeing my new, used seat. I won! And, it was clean…well clean for Marta.
Now, here I sit…unable to inhale. Every time I try to sneak a breath, I am hit with a myriad of unpleasant smells…onions, sweat, burnt hair, coffee, what seems to be undercarriage funk, and who knows what else. It’s all bad. I swear I would wear an air purifying helmet on this joint if there was one available. Be on this joint like…
If my seat mate folds or adjust this damn blanket one mo damn time, I’m going to scream!!! She could’ve at least fluffed that joint with a fabric sheet before bringing it. It could’ve helped with this morning’s olfactory assault. SEAT MATE GRADE: C
I must say, this welcome back sucks!
I am obviously being punished for something I did…probably one of the random things my brain has said to me about one of these folks during my commute. But, I have no control over that. The craziness just pops in my head. My only fault is laughing.😏 So now my ears have to suffer for my brain’s actions.
Anyway, my grown ass seat mate is actually sitting here blowing bubbles with her gum. I am so tempted to pop one of those bubbles so it’ll splatter on her face and stick to that herstache she’s rocking (yeah, I see it…handle that).
And, homegirl behind me is rustling a bag while talking on her phone way too loud to mind me asking questions about who she’s talking to. I really shouldn’t be able to hear her because I’m cranking the Jagged Edge/Run DMC Let’s Get Married remix. I wish I could press my earbuds to turn down her volume. Unfortunately, the universe does not seem to believe I’m worthy of special powers. Either that or it’s scared of how I would use them. I’ve already thought about making her bag float out of her hands, crumble into a hard ball, and hit her hard enough in her forehead to make her head snap back…not enough for whiplash, just embarrassment. The visual is cracking me hell up. 😂😂😂
My seat mate is still hanging in there, but she stopped blowing bubbles. Maybe she saw the first photo I posted above. lol SEAT MATE GRADE: C – she only blew bubbles for 1 stop, but has been very still the past 16 stops. I can’t even see her chewing in my peripheral. Maybe she remembered she was grown.
This door sleeve (never knew what to call it before) is responsible for my seat selection.
Imagine my surprise as I waited to board and the other door didn’t open! My hesitation gave me limited seating options. I bet someone broke it trying to force the doors open. They do that mess all the time – sometimes causing the train to be put out of order because the door won’t close. I blame that person for this whole commute rant. My brain is off the hook…this time.
When people flop down next to me, they have a whiff. The majority of the time, that whiff is not pleasing to my nose so I subconsciously brace myself…especially during the warmer seasons.
Unfortunately, the whiffs are often quicker than my smell shut down reflexes. So you all have to hear about my experiences on a regular basis. I promise you, hearing it is nowhere near as bad as experiencing it. I will gladly trade places.
I really don’t think most people think about their whiff, but I do – obsessively, especially in public. My goal in life is to have a nice whiff. I think I’ll do surprise dry runs on my family. I’m sure they are thrilled reading this. Get those olfactory systems ready fam!🤗😂😂
Today’s Takeaway: The next time you flop down beside someone – make sure your whiff is on point.
I owe my former seat mate a heartfelt apology. I was so relieved when he got off because I thought that offensive odor was emitting from his pores. I was totally confused as to why such a well dressed man would walk around with such a dangerous nasal assault weapon. I became angry at the fact that he spent more time brushing his hair than he spent washing his ass. I stared at him, befuddled, for 3 stops. I cheered on the inside when he got up to depart the train. I foolishly assumed the odor problem was solved when in fact, it was just stirred up by the crowd of people departing the train. I thought I was safe, so I exhaled heavily so I could breathe again. To my surprise, I was smacked in the face with a stronger version of the uncivilized fetor as the doors closed.😳 I looked around madly to find the source of the smell. Finally, I looked down and found it…The weapon of choice was a pair of dingy socks left exposed by a pair of slides. I looked up to see who dared to don a pair of wide open funky socks. My eyes made contact with this dude’s gym bag…the bag holding the sneakers that could have saved a few of my nose hairs from singeing. He knew damn well how bad his feet smelled when he took those damn shoes off! Why didn’t he wait until he got home to release those toxins. Now, my simple ass is sitting here wishing I had a hazmat suit.
Just think, I almost made it through the week without incident…almost.
This commute is already starting off wrong. The girl to my left is a gum popper and the woman to my right…well…her smell profile is not quite right. I put in my earbuds to handle the situation on the left and I can usually cut off my sense of smell, but my nose is being nosey af today. I really wish it would mind its business.😩
This heifer has all of her itchy ass weave on my arm. My itchy ass twists are quite enough for me to handle. We both need some Mane & Tail on this mofo! Had to switch seats before my arm started welting up.
She’s baaaaack! I haven’t been on the train as much lately due to being out of town and working from home more. So, I haven’t been posting much except memories. But, I am back and so is deer in headlights girl. I don’t know how she holds that face so long. It would give me a headache. She was on the platform when I arrived yesterday. I think she forgot my exact spot because we haven’t seen each other in a couple of weeks. I resumed my normal positioning and smirked when the train stopped in front of me. Sweet victory…how I’ve missed you. 😏 I was running a little late today. When I got there, this dude was standing in my spot 😒 and she positioned herself to the right of him (she usually stands to my left). I think I saw that heifer crack a smile as I walked past. I guess she doesn’t know me that well…I don’t go down that easily. I took the spot to his left and when the train pulled in I could see it was not going to stop in my favor, so I scurried down to position myself at the next door. I was in my seat settled in comfortably by the time she found a spot in the seat across from me. That smile was nowhere to be found.😂😂😂 I gotta give it to her though – I believe she is the only one who knows this is a competition. And, although she keeps losing, she’s staying in the game.
For those who are wondering- yes, I do realize I am a tad bit petty…sometimes. It really showed yesterday. The commute was not eventful at all. As we arrived to my stop, I said excuse me so my seat mate could let me out. At the same time, this lady in a green shirt stood up in the seat across from us and she just stood there…all in my way! I brushed past her and headed towards the doors, feeling irritated. I finally looked down at the doors she chose and realized she works in my building. Immediately, it became a competition…my horse race scenario. I got on my mark and waited for the gates to open. When they did, I dashed out to head to the three lane stairs. I was so focused that I did not see her until we reached the turnstile gates…me in the lead. Then she did the unexpected – she cheated! Instead of waiting to get out the gate, she slipped through the side emergency gate that does not require a card. I was heated! 😤 To make matters worse, that miscreant ended up in front of me as we headed down the narrow stairs. When I reached the bottom, I saw her in my peripheral stop to talk to a man because our shuttle was nowhere in sight. I passed them to walk a little further down and noticed our shuttle was all the way in the back and around the corner. It was the little shuttle, so I knew seats would be very limited. I proceeded to walk to the back of the shuttle line to claim a seat as the driver pulled up to stop in front of me. As I boarded, I watched as people realized our shuttle was there and it was the baby one. They started to rush towards the door. I smiled from my seat when the driver announced there were no more seats and I looked out the window to see green shirt standing there as the doors closed. My smiling gaze lingered to see who she was talking to. My gaze changed from a petty smile to an “ut oh” as I caught a glance of the gentleman’s face…it was my VP.😳 Sorry EW! Later that day, I could not resist telling him the story of how he was a victim of my competitiveness…yes competitiveness…pettiness just seemed too incriminating. lol He cracked up because he is well aware of these commuter competitions I have going on. I did feel a little bad when he told me it took forever for the next shuttle to come so he decided to walk. Then he followed up with he did not see the other shuttle pass during his trek. My devilish smile reappeared. There was that sweet victory again. Actually, more like revenge…with impunity.
It’s July 3rd so I figured this would be a light, uneventful train ride. And, it pretty much was until I got to the half way point. I was minding my business – looking online when all of a sudden my nose got mugged! I shot my head up to see if there was a baby in the area. But, nope…no baby to blame. The more I looked around, the less I could breathe. I cut off my sense of smell the best I could, but I couldn’t breathe because my lips had already pressed together tightly to protect my mouth. After a few minutes, I couldn’t hold all of that so I panicked and eventually lost control of everything…frantically gasping for air as I looked down and regretted my FitBit wasn’t a medical alert bracelet…help.
I eventually caught my breath and looked around. I got increasingly pissed that everyone else was looking so normal…as if they couldn’t smell anything. I’m about to die and they aren’t even wrinkling their noses! Wtf?!! I wanted to yell – Y’ALL DON’T SMELL THAT SHIT – literally! Cause it definitely was not a fart – it had to be a shart…or worse.😩
As the train cleared a bit, the smell dissipated. I started thinking seriously about the fact that my sense of smell may just be extra sensitive like my ability to hear. I promise y’all, neither of those are blessings. Ability to hear and smell, yes. Extra sensitive smelling and hearing abilities, no! Of all the freaking superpowers, why those?! Why can’t I wake up and see without having to grab for my glasses that my son swears can burn ants? Why not super speed so I would’ve been able to escape as soon as that smell hit my nose? Or, super strength so I could become a Marvel Marta vigilante character? I could think of a very long list of superpowers I’d prefer, but I guess I’m stuck smelling and hearing a bunch of crap I don’t want to. Or just maybe, my true superpower is staying on the functional side of insanity…appearing totally normal while all of these crazy thoughts scramble around my head. I’ll take that. 😏