It started out well…
But, that didn’t last long. Dude next to me is offending all my senses right now. First, he flops down next to me smelling like an ashtray full of unfinished cigarettes. Then, he pulled a sandwich out of a ziplock bowl and started devouring it. No exaggeration – dude is munching on that sandwich so hard and fast, continuously turning it so he can bite it from all angles. He is chewing so hard, I can see his cheeks moving up and down out of my peripheral. That should be difficult because I have turned my body as far as I can towards the window so I can sneak breaths in every now and then. He is in violation of the almost all the seat mate laws! He’s alternating between killing that sandwich, drinking water, picking his teeth, and licking his fingers!😩😩😩 How big is that f*cking sandwich?!!!😒 How can he still be eating it after all of those rotating big bites? I think it grows every time he bites it. And, all of that finger licking on this filthy train…yuckety! I feel like offering him a hand wipe, but I think he is finishing up because he’s rotating through all the movements at an even quicker pace. Hold up – this mofo just took out a napkin, wet it, and wiped his hands…after he ate! I can’t with him. SEAT MATE GRADE: E!!!!!!!!!
Picking teeth licking fingers
Am I being punk’d…for real, who sent him?
It’s my first day back on the train since Thursday (6 days ago) and my first thought is WHAT IN THE EXPLETIVE IS THAT EXPLETIVE SMELL!!! And, what in the expletive is this! I really hope it’s milk.😳
I worked from home Friday and Irma came through and shut a few things down Monday, including Marta. Yesterday, Marta was running on a limited schedule so I worked from home again. Today is supposed to be the regular schedule. But when I got to the station today, the sign indicated it would be 7 minutes until my train arrived. I can just miss my train and the sign will usually show 5 min until my next train. I know I didn’t just miss one because the platform was packed. And, when the train pulled in, it was almost packed. That’s how I ended up in the yuck seat next to good ole wide eyes 👀. She has never sat next to me before. Every time I beat her, she sits a few rows away from my smirking ass. Not today. She plopped down right next to me because seating was limited and like me, she probably couldn’t figure out where that expletive smell is coming from. I may be an ass but I don’t stink, so she chose wisely. It didn’t last long though. The people in front of me got off two stops later and I excused myself and brushed past wide eyes as I raced a girl who was boarding and eyeing my new, used seat. I won! And, it was clean…well clean for Marta.
Now, here I sit…unable to inhale. Every time I try to sneak a breath, I am hit with a myriad of unpleasant smells…onions, sweat, burnt hair, coffee, what seems to be undercarriage funk, and who knows what else. It’s all bad. I swear I would wear an air purifying helmet on this joint if there was one available. Be on this joint like…
If my seat mate folds or adjust this damn blanket one mo damn time, I’m going to scream!!! She could’ve at least fluffed that joint with a fabric sheet before bringing it. It could’ve helped with this morning’s olfactory assault. SEAT MATE GRADE: C
I must say, this welcome back sucks!
I am obviously being punished for something I did…probably one of the random things my brain has said to me about one of these folks during my commute. But, I have no control over that. The craziness just pops in my head. My only fault is laughing.😏 So now my ears have to suffer for my brain’s actions.
Anyway, my grown ass seat mate is actually sitting here blowing bubbles with her gum. I am so tempted to pop one of those bubbles so it’ll splatter on her face and stick to that herstache she’s rocking (yeah, I see it…handle that).
And, homegirl behind me is rustling a bag while talking on her phone way too loud to mind me asking questions about who she’s talking to. I really shouldn’t be able to hear her because I’m cranking the Jagged Edge/Run DMC Let’s Get Married remix. I wish I could press my earbuds to turn down her volume. Unfortunately, the universe does not seem to believe I’m worthy of special powers. Either that or it’s scared of how I would use them. I’ve already thought about making her bag float out of her hands, crumble into a hard ball, and hit her hard enough in her forehead to make her head snap back…not enough for whiplash, just embarrassment. The visual is cracking me hell up. 😂😂😂
My seat mate is still hanging in there, but she stopped blowing bubbles. Maybe she saw the first photo I posted above. lol SEAT MATE GRADE: C – she only blew bubbles for 1 stop, but has been very still the past 16 stops. I can’t even see her chewing in my peripheral. Maybe she remembered she was grown.
This door sleeve (never knew what to call it before) is responsible for my seat selection.
Imagine my surprise as I waited to board and the other door didn’t open! My hesitation gave me limited seating options. I bet someone broke it trying to force the doors open. They do that mess all the time – sometimes causing the train to be put out of order because the door won’t close. I blame that person for this whole commute rant. My brain is off the hook…this time.
I owe my former seat mate a heartfelt apology. I was so relieved when he got off because I thought that offensive odor was emitting from his pores. I was totally confused as to why such a well dressed man would walk around with such a dangerous nasal assault weapon. I became angry at the fact that he spent more time brushing his hair than he spent washing his ass. I stared at him, befuddled, for 3 stops. I cheered on the inside when he got up to depart the train. I foolishly assumed the odor problem was solved when in fact, it was just stirred up by the crowd of people departing the train. I thought I was safe, so I exhaled heavily so I could breathe again. To my surprise, I was smacked in the face with a stronger version of the uncivilized fetor as the doors closed.😳 I looked around madly to find the source of the smell. Finally, I looked down and found it…The weapon of choice was a pair of dingy socks left exposed by a pair of slides. I looked up to see who dared to don a pair of wide open funky socks. My eyes made contact with this dude’s gym bag…the bag holding the sneakers that could have saved a few of my nose hairs from singeing. He knew damn well how bad his feet smelled when he took those damn shoes off! Why didn’t he wait until he got home to release those toxins. Now, my simple ass is sitting here wishing I had a hazmat suit.
Just think, I almost made it through the week without incident…almost.
This irritates the heck outta me. Why was this left in one of my favorite seats? It’s 7:00am – who needed all of that to get their day started? Or, did they just finish their workday and needed a draaank? Either way, they needed to take their trash with them! They had the nerve to be fancy and drink that beer with a straw. If you are this disrespectful, I expect you to take it to the head.
Hold up – this older man just sat there. First, he picked up the beer and moved it up some. Then he picked up the vodka, examined it, opened the cap, and took a sniff!😳😂😂 I guess it wasn’t to his liking because he put it back. Now, I’m curious…what was he hoping for? And, if it met his expectations, was he going to pocket that joint? I can’t with these people. LOL
Curious man just got up and another man just sat there. The first thing he did was reposition the beer bottle. I wonder why both chose to do that. It’s in the way no matter where they put it on that heater. Do they need to feel some kind of control because they got the jacked up seat? I know I would be pissed…scared it would spill or a jerk of the train could make it fall, shattering the glass. Still wondering what kind of person is okay with leaving all of that in the seat. I don’t know them, but I do know they are trifling!
I got a seat mate a while ago and she instantly got on my nerves. She is bundled up in a quilted coat with a hoodie under it. I guess our weather apps aren’t showing the same thing. She is extra fidgety. She rumbled through her bag for about 3 stops, bumping my arm twice. She said excuse me, but I need her to know that means it’s not enough space for all that. So, the elbow war was on! She got the message and turned to the aisle to finish rummaging. She is alternately between mad texting and digging in her eyes. I see a stye in her near future. Now, she is rummaging again. She pulled out a bottle of water and I don’t even have my hair down to impeded my peripheral vision. I’m not even going to wait until the end – SEAT MATE GRADE: D
Maaaan – why was I so distracted by homegirl that I didn’t notice the two streams of milk (at least what I hope is milk) flowing under my feet. I don’t even know where they are coming from. What is with these folks and their inability to handle their beverages responsibly today? I have never been so anxious to get to work. Time to go!
7:02am So there is this girl who is fairly new to my schedule (a month or so) who is trying to figure out my perfect spot to stand so the doors open right in front of her. She has been getting here before me lately, but that strategy has been failing her. Yesterday, she stood exactly where I usually stand, so I had to stand a little further down. I was a little annoyed. But, that damn train stopped right in front of me!😂😂😂 So, I just got here and she was standing where I stood yesterday, so I was able to get a little closer to my regular spot. Another girl was to my right, keeping me from being dead on my spot. When that girl boarded another train, spot stealer switched sides to get closer. That ticked my silly self. I’m going to stay right here and CTFU if that train stops in front of me. Let’s see what happens…
7:06am😂😂😂😂😂😂 The train stopped right in front of me…I was dead center of the two sliding doors. I literally laughed out loud while boarding. To add insult to injury, someone sat in the seat she likes. 😜 I actually didn’t wish that on her. I was hoping she got her seat as a consolation prize…even walked faster to help out. But, I think the L affected her drive. She is gonna be ready for me tomorrow. Maybe, I’ll come early enough for the 6:56 train just to throw her off.
7:10am I just got a seat mate and I had to teach her the elbow space rule – person on the inside gets the elbow space because the outside person has the aisle space for elbow room. She didn’t fight it, so we are cool. We are sitting here looking like denim twins. We decided light denim jackets were the way to go today. We are about the same size…nah, she got me by a size or two. Therefore, our hips have been touching for the past 7 stops. I guess we go together at this point. She’s starting to nod. I hope she doesn’t think our new relationship gives her the right to sleep on my shoulder.😳 Too soon…I’m a lady. She’s about to leave, so I guess I should grade her before we break up. SEAT MATE GRADE: B
7:46am I thought I had a clear path to be first to get off the train. But, just as I got to the last seat, this dude dressed in all black, complete with what looked like a thin cloak, cut me off. As soon as he stood up, I got a nose full of baby powder. That black is going to start looking dusty as hell when all that baby powder starts seeping through. He had the nerve to give drama to his walk as he exited. I guess this is karma’s quick reaction to me laughing at home girl earlier. 🤷🏽♀️
Make it a great day!
I don’t know how this day will end up, but this morning is starting off shaky. First of all, I’m on the little engine that could…it has me straight bobble heading. Then a weird bug landed on my breast and sat there like I still breast feed. Swat mofo – now you are dead! Sent a message to your friends. And, my seat mate and I should reconsider this arrangement. Both of our hips are violating the seat divider standard so we are touching like we are like that. I want to cry like that baby is behind me. Whaaaaaa!!! Hold up – is that a tattoo? We’ve been partnering for at least 5 stops and all this time I thought my new boo had a bad keloid. Had me feeling a tad sorry for her and guilty about not wanting to join hips. Where did she get that shit…prison??? I quit her.
Stop the presses!!! Did my new seat mate just get on this joint with a vacuum?!! I guess I should be grateful to her for donating me some of her hip space. And, no prison tats on my new boo. Getcho vacuum on girl!
Being polite hurt my knees and made me lose my favorite seat. Now, I’m sitting in the horrible perpendicular seat (P-seat) and this girl in front of me has been unwrapping this piece of candy for five damn minutes! I feel like snatching it and throwing it at the other end of the train.😠 My knees are pressed in the tight space against the P-seat and I feel like I need to be wearing an age tag. Needless to say, I’m not a happy camper on this dreary day.
It all started with me being polite and standing back to let this older lady (no age tag needed) enter the train first. I guess she was so used to folks rushing past her, she hesitated. Once she boarded, she could not make up her mind on which seat she wanted…all while the seats were filling up from the other doors. When she finally decided, it was the last good seat – MY SEAT.😩😩😩 I managed to keep a pleasant smile on my face…at least I hope it was. It possibly was more deranged than I imagined though because deep down, I was mad at her. lol
I was too engrossed in Facebook to notice when I got a new seat mate. He was rather thin, so no hip rubbing took place. He was quiet and still the entire ride. My only qualm was he took too long to get up after I said excuse me to beat folks to the door. That allowed at least 7 people get in front of me which made me get caught up in heavy stairs traffic.😡 I almost didn’t make it on the shuttle. SEAT MATE GRADE: C (it was an A before he set me back)
So now I’m sitting on the shuttle next to a youngin smelling hella “loud”. I don’t know much about dem tweeds, but his smells way worse than the girl’s did a few weeks ago. I’m actually feeling sick to my stomach. Didn’t he know he was going to work today?!!! Walking in there smelling skunked out can’t be good for his career. Last I checked, it wasn’t legal here. Perhaps, it’s the only way he can deal with the people at his job. But, if they are trying to figure out a reason to get rid of him, he is walking in with one today. Someone really needs to make weed that smells like cologne for these folks who just can’t help themselves before work. Hmmmmm👀👀👀
Things are not starting off right this morning. First of all, it’s still dreary and now it’s cold. Where is the 80+ degrees we had last week? I had to pull out my bin of sweaters I put away a few weeks ago. Note to Mother Nature: Brrrrr Sucka!
Once I got to the train station, I was pleasantly surprised at how light traffic was…until I got to the top of the stairs. I looked down at the all the people and thought – please let the next train be Doraville (not my train). I don’t mind being a little delayed if the Doraville train can take the crowd away. I smiled as I looked up at the marquee and it listed “Doraville…45 secs”. I started to relax and gave up my positioning. I smiled as people started flooding into the train.😏 That was until I happened to look up and notice “North Springs” lit up on the train. I hesitated because the train signs have been wrong before. Who was I to believe – the marquee or the train? That decision was made when I heard the conductor say, “North Springs station”.😳 I had to make a mad dash before the doors closed. Of course, all of my favorite seats were gone. I sat down beside the girl who got “my seat” out of spite. But, I quickly got up when I noticed an empty seat at the other end of the car. Now, I’m going to have to hustle to beat folks to the shuttle…too cold and dreary to walk. Luckily, I have on my sneakers, so it’s on!
I made it to the halfway mark before getting a seat mate. He looks to be in his late 50s…no peculiar smells, he’s staying in his seat space for the most part, no fidgeting, coughing, sniffing or gum chewing. Only problem is, he’s not giving me the elbow space. I had to take it. It’s less comfortable for me when I have to take it, but in the words of Big Worm, “it’s principalities to this!” That lowered him to a B. He’s really into his phone. My nosey ass couldn’t help but look down to see he’s on Facebook. 👀👀 Now, I keep peeking over to see if he’s looking at freaky stuff.🤔😂 Nothing yet. Stop the mf’in presses! Did he just fart?!!!🤢😡🤢😡 My nose was just hit with some disrespectful shit and I’m mad at myself for relaxing my sense of smell. I just looked around and there are so many empty seats now. Hold up while I move… Seat Mate Grade: D for disgusting!
I moved all the way back to the seat beside the door I like to exit. Now, I don’t have to hustle too much for the shuttle. But, I will be racing when I get to the three lanes stairs…just cause. Why did someone try to edge me out at the door? Uhhhh NO! I was 1st out my door, 3rd down the stairs, 2nd through the gate and narrow doors, and 1st on the shuttle! That’s a record for me. 🤗🤗 I’m about to walk in the door feeling like a champ.🏆🏆🏆
Make it a great day!