MartaMe

MartaMe: Funktified 1.10.19

Somebody on this train has this whole car stinking!!! Smelling like 100+ pounds of getback! This little girl in front of me is alternating between counting down their stops and whining โ€œI canโ€™t breatheโ€!๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ She pointed out the culprit๐Ÿ˜ณ…damn kids.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Her mom scolded her. Meanwhile, Iโ€™m sitting here with my face tightly wrapped watching folks reactions as they get on. Po folks think they lucked up on a seat. Watching those smiles quickly go to surprise and then all frowned up…baaaaaabbbbeeeee.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Iโ€™m going to track some reactions for the next few stops:

– I hope these folks donโ€™t think itโ€™s my kids. (I actually did think it was her baby when I got on.๐Ÿ˜ฌ)

– walked on and walked right back off๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

– walked on and discussed getting off at the next stop. Got off at next stop๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ This was the number 1 reaction.

– Just said, โ€œGOTDAMN!โ€ and moved way down the car๐Ÿ˜ทโžก๏ธโžก๏ธ

Hold up – the little girl just asked her mom if she could put her earbuds in her nose. Poor baby.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

More reactions watching:

– This shit stinks!

– My skin is too sensitive for this shit!

– Awwww hell naw!

– Oooohhhhhhhh (followed by a quick U-turn)

– I canโ€™t

– This is not working for me

– Anybody got any air freshener

– lady walks down aisle spraying perfume…some thanked her. I canโ€™t smell either way so ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

– bumping all into each other trying to get off before the doors closed once that smell hit them. ๐Ÿ˜‚

– faces as they get on:๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜Ÿ๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿฅต๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿ˜ง๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿคข๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ˜ 

I am not laughing at the individual because I donโ€™t know his story, but he doesnโ€™t look like he smells. Perhaps thatโ€™s why folks are so surprised. But, the reactions and u-turns being made are hella comical!!!โ†ฉ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ real tears are running down my face as I try to suppress my laughter at these folksโ€™ reactions.๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ Luckily, he slept through it all.

Meanwhile, I canโ€™t smell a damn thing because my face is wrapped so tightly and my airtamer is in full affect. If I pass out, itโ€™s my own damn fault.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

MartaMe

MartaMe Memory 10.26.16

All of these empty seats and his hummin’ ass sits next to me. It’s waaay too early in the morning for this musty shit. And, he has the nerve to have on two shirts. He ain’t Sure about shit today! lol I want to ask him to take the mustiest one off cause the way he is assaulting my nose, both shirts have to be assailants. He needs to put them right back in the laundry basket he grabbed them from this morning. My nose really doesn’t deserve this.

MartaMe · MisoMe

No sandwiches allowed!

It started out well…

But, that didnโ€™t last long.  Dude next to me is offending all my senses right now.  First, he flops down next to me smelling like an ashtray full of unfinished cigarettes.  Then, he pulled a sandwich out of a ziplock bowl and started devouring it.  No exaggeration –  dude is munching on that sandwich so hard and fast, continuously turning it so he can bite it from all angles.  He is chewing so hard, I can see his cheeks moving up and down out of my peripheral. That should be difficult because I have turned my body as far as I can towards the window so I can sneak breaths in every now and then.  He is in violation of the almost all the seat mate laws! Heโ€™s alternating between killing that sandwich, drinking water, picking his teeth, and licking his fingers!๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ How big is that f*cking sandwich?!!!๐Ÿ˜’ How can he still be eating it after all of those rotating big bites?  I think it grows every time he bites it.  And, all of that finger licking on this filthy train…yuckety!  I feel like offering him a hand wipe, but I think he is finishing up because heโ€™s rotating through all the movements at an even quicker pace.  Hold up – this mofo just took out a napkin, wet it, and wiped his hands…after he ate! I canโ€™t with him.  SEAT MATE GRADE: E!!!!!!!!!

Picking teeth licking fingers

Am I being punkโ€™d…for real, who sent him?

MartaMe

MartaMe Memory 10.22.14

Dude is on the train for 6 stops with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. That’s some pressed shit right there! Now, I know I have to beat him to the escalator cause that tells me he’s the type who would light up while on it. Glad I have my Nikes on. #traintribulations

I believe every home has a distinct smell and when people come out, they carry that smell on their clothes. With that said, some of these folks need to febreze, plug in, fry the fish outside…do something! They have me up here sniffing my damn self. #trainsmells #ihatemynose

MartaMe · MisoMe

Welcome back…not

It’s my first day back on the train since Thursday (6 days ago) and my first thought is WHAT IN THE EXPLETIVE IS THAT EXPLETIVE SMELL!!! And, what in the expletive is this! I really hope it’s milk.๐Ÿ˜ณ

I worked from home Friday and Irma came through and shut a few things down Monday, including Marta.  Yesterday, Marta was running on a limited schedule so I worked from home again.  Today is supposed to be the regular schedule.  But when I got to the station today, the sign indicated it would be 7 minutes until my train arrived. I can just miss my train and the sign will usually show 5 min until my next train.  I know I didn’t just miss one because the platform was packed.  And, when the train pulled in, it was almost packed.  That’s how I ended up in the yuck seat next to good ole wide eyes ๐Ÿ‘€.  She has never sat next to me before.  Every time I beat her, she sits a few rows away from my smirking ass.  Not today.  She plopped down right next to me because seating was limited and like me, she probably couldn’t figure out where that expletive smell is coming from.  I may be an ass but I don’t stink, so she chose wisely.  It didn’t last long though.  The people in front of me got off two stops later and I excused myself and brushed past wide eyes as I raced a girl who was boarding and eyeing my new, used seat.  I won!  And, it was clean…well clean for Marta.

Now, here I sit…unable to inhale.  Every time I try to sneak a breath, I am hit with a myriad of unpleasant smells…onions, sweat, burnt hair, coffee, what seems to be undercarriage funk, and who knows what else.  It’s all bad.  I swear I would wear an air purifying helmet on this joint if there was one available.  Be on this joint like…

If my seat mate folds or adjust this damn blanket one mo damn time, I’m going to scream!!! She could’ve at least fluffed that joint with a fabric sheet before bringing it.  It could’ve helped with this morning’s olfactory assault.  SEAT MATE GRADE: C

I must say, this welcome back sucks!

MartaMe

What the Whiff?!!

When people flop down next to me, they have a whiff.  The majority of the time, that whiff is not pleasing to my nose so I subconsciously brace myself…especially during the warmer seasons. 

Unfortunately, the whiffs are often quicker than my smell shut down reflexes.  So you all have to hear about my experiences on a regular basis.  I promise you, hearing it is nowhere near as bad as experiencing it.  I will gladly trade places.

I really don’t think most people think about their whiff, but I do – obsessively, especially in public.  My goal in life is to have a nice whiff.  I think I’ll do surprise dry runs on my family.  I’m sure they are thrilled reading this. Get those olfactory systems ready fam!๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Today’s Takeaway: The next time you flop down beside someone – make sure your whiff is on point.

MartaMe

Defeated…more like DEFEETED!

I owe my former seat mate a heartfelt apology.  I was so relieved when he got off because I thought that offensive odor was emitting from his pores.  I was totally confused as to why such a well dressed man would walk around with such a dangerous nasal assault weapon.  I became angry at the fact that he spent more time brushing his hair than he spent washing his ass.  I stared at him, befuddled, for 3 stops.  I cheered on the inside when he got up to depart the train.  I foolishly assumed the odor problem was solved when in fact, it was just stirred up by the crowd of people departing the train. I thought I was safe, so I exhaled heavily so I could breathe again.  To my surprise, I was smacked in the face with a stronger version of the uncivilized fetor as the doors closed.๐Ÿ˜ณ I looked around madly to find the source of the smell.  Finally, I looked down and found it…The weapon of choice was a pair of dingy socks left exposed by a pair of slides.  I looked up to see who dared to don a pair of wide open funky socks.  My eyes made contact with this dude’s gym bag…the bag holding the sneakers that could have saved a few of my nose hairs from singeing.  He knew damn well how bad his feet smelled when he took those damn shoes off!  Why didn’t he wait until he got home to release those toxins.  Now, my simple ass is sitting here wishing I had a hazmat suit.  

Just think, I almost made it through the week without incident…almost.

MartaMe

MartaMe Memory 8.4.16

This commute is already starting off wrong. The girl to my left is a gum popper and the woman to my right…well…her smell profile is not quite right. I put in my earbuds to handle the situation on the left and I can usually cut off my sense of smell, but my nose is being nosey af today. I really wish it would mind its business.๐Ÿ˜ฉ

MartaMe

Wtf is that smell?

It’s July 3rd so I figured this would be a light, uneventful train ride. And, it pretty much was until I got to the half way point.  I was minding my business – looking online when all of a sudden my nose got mugged!  I shot my head up to see if there was a baby in the area.  But, nope…no baby to blame.  The more I looked around, the less I could breathe.  I cut off my sense of smell the best I could, but I couldn’t breathe because my lips had already pressed together tightly to protect my mouth.  After a few minutes, I couldn’t hold all of that so I panicked and eventually lost control of everything…frantically gasping for air as I looked down and regretted my FitBit wasn’t a medical alert bracelet…help.

I eventually caught my breath and looked around.  I got increasingly pissed that everyone else was looking so normal…as if they couldn’t smell anything.  I’m about to die and they aren’t even wrinkling their noses!  Wtf?!!  I wanted to yell – Y’ALL DON’T SMELL THAT SHIT – literally!  Cause it definitely was not a fart – it had to be a shart…or worse.๐Ÿ˜ฉ

As the train cleared a bit, the smell dissipated.  I started thinking seriously about the fact that my sense of smell may just be extra sensitive like my ability to hear.  I promise y’all, neither of those are blessings.  Ability to hear and smell, yes. Extra sensitive smelling and hearing abilities, no!  Of all the freaking superpowers, why those?! Why can’t I wake up and see without having to grab for my glasses that my son swears can burn ants?  Why not super speed so I would’ve been able to escape as soon as that smell hit my nose?  Or, super strength so I could become a Marvel Marta vigilante character?  I could think of a very long list of superpowers I’d prefer, but I guess I’m stuck smelling and hearing a bunch of crap I don’t want to.  Or just maybe, my true superpower is staying on the functional side of insanity…appearing totally normal while all of these crazy thoughts scramble around my head.  I’ll take that. ๐Ÿ˜